Jelly Bellies and Mom Genes

I like most people. I can be around some more than others, but I generally get along with everyone, and I typically prefer for my life to proceed in that way.

However, there is one type of person—a type of female—that I have avoided like poison…since I was old enough to think.

This particular type of female has emerged in various unpleasant forms repeatedly throughout every single stage of my life. So, because all of their behavior started in early childhood, I will hereby refer to these females as…

“Baby Hoggers.”

You know those little girls who practically have someone’s baby in their arms the second they set eyes on the child? The girls all the moms call “sweet,” “caring,” and “motherly,” while you stand by, quietly and politely waiting your turn to hold the baby…if you are asked…because you know that sometimes asking questions is rude, and that’s not your baby anyway?

Those girls who don’t understand the concept of sharing very well and aren’t capable of making real friends because they’re too busy concentrating on what they want for themselves?

They will also likely take over the world one day…which will not be awesome. It will be terrifying. Because they will not actually know what they are doing.

Yep.

Yep.

Those girls are Baby Hoggers.

Things don’t really change as you grow up together either…

They just shift a little bit.

boy hogger

At some point they separate into two types:

Type 1—The one who hates you and bullies you until one of you dies.

Type 2—The one who suddenly and seemingly miraculously decides she LOVES you and wants to be your best friend ever until the day one of you dies.

They are still the same people. If I were to draw a Venn diagram out of them for you, this is what it would like:

Baby Hogger Venn Diagram

And just when you think adulthood has whipped some sense into these girls…

Scenario: Your “friend” discourages you from pursuing your awesome life goals because “you’re not cut out for that” or “that’s a terrible idea.”

Reality: no, she is not your friend, and she discourages you because she is jealous of you and is just looking out for #1. She wants all that awesomeness in life for herself, and unlike her, you actually have a brain that comes up with ideas. If she steals your ideas, she will take credit for them, expect you to worship her for it, and will not share anything in return…because she is a HOGGER.

Scenario: When you start a family, that “kind lady” begins to offer “suggestions” for how to raise your child—particularly at times when you are not asking for anyone’s advice.

Reality: She either wants everyone to think she is the best mother on the planet, or is a Supermom wannabe who is judging you so hard because… she is so jealous of you. She wants what you’ve got and doesn’t want you to have it at all. And, if she can get away with it, she will put you down as a mom to feel good about herself as a… not-mom. Fortunately for you, it seems to be socially unacceptable to tell other people how to raise their kids, so if you let her know who’s boss in your family matters real quick, you shouldn’t have too much trouble later…we hope, anyway.

In the end, what it all comes down to is this:

Baby hoggers want to suck all of the joy out of your soul, and they will do so in any way that comes easiest to them. Why? Because they want to hog your happiness. And why do they insist on not sharing? Because it’s actually not about being happy at all. It’s not about babies, boys, or even just being awesome. It’s simply about making everyone around them THINK they are awesome, can get all the boys, are the best babysitter/mom ever, and all other things that display an aura of success and coolness in life.

They will totally rock at making you think you are best friends forever… until they don’t get what they want from you. Then, they will immediately begin to bully you incessantly until they get what they want from you.

Here just a few ways you can expect them to attempt this:

  • They are easily irritated with everything, complain about everything, and have an opinion (usually a negative one) about everything you say or do.
  • They will insert just enough kind words to smooth over their negativity so that you’ll stay in their game.
  • They will try to tell you how you feel and try to convince you that you think certain things–things that actually never crossed your mind a fraction until they mentioned them.
  • They may suddenly give you the silent treatment as a punishment for something.
  • They may never actually end a silent treatment.
  • They hijack your friends and turn them against you. (This is an ultimate win for them.)
  • If you even barely resist them in any way, they will vehemently resist you, and you can certainly expect a threat or two when that happens.
  • They flawlessly suck up to everyone when their reputation/popularity is on the line.

If none of these (or other) methods succeed in manipulating you into getting them what they want, they will simply give up and abruptly leave your life or resent you and harbor bitterness toward you that builds every time they have to see your face.

That being said, girls….are nuts.

Choose your girl friends wisely.

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Dear stupid boys parading through my life:

I am breaking up with you. Yep. It’s over.

No more meaningless flattery, flakery, or fakery.

No more mind controlling.

No more forgetting to mention that you’re in a relationship…

like marriage…parenthood…you know, minor things.

No more using me to make your family proud,

or to reassure them that you’re not gay.

No more impressing me, then trashing me.

No more hiding behind screens when speaking to me.

No more being emotionally detached and unavailable.

No more unnecessary moodiness,

or impulsive decisions made purely to get a rise out of me.

No more thinking that I’m even going to be remotely attracted to that.

Seeing that I will be continuing to have a real life consisting entirely of honest words, actions, and people, it appears that I won’t have much time to fit you into my busy schedule. I sincerely thank you for the educational experiences you have bestowed upon my life thus far. However, I must move on with my intoxicatingly sweet life without you.

Don’t worry. If I ever need an extra dose of drama in my life, I’ll let you know. I’m sure you’d take me back in a heartbeat to do everything all over again because you’re so easy like that. Unfortunately, however, I cannot satisfy all of your needs, fix all of your problems for you, or be responsible for your happiness. That is your job. So just know that if you come back to me, you’re getting exactly what you have given…….. nothing. You’ll also probably be too dumb to realize that and will still think you’re a magical charm to womankind. You just keep on letting yourself feel that way, brah. Meanwhile, my heart’s true interest will reside in men of reputable character.

Peace.